drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
