i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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