Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize