I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
