If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize