an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
