Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
