i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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