I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
