My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
