don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
