He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
