I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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