god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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