i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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