I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
