smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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