Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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