Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
