There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
