a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
