he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
