I looked at my own cervix.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
