My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize