I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
