I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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