I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
