bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
