she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
