My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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