What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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