god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
