Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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