lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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