You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
