Welp...herpes.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
