dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
