i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
