she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
