Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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