Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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