I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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