im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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