he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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