so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
