This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize