If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
