My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize