You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
