i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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