life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
