The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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