Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
