RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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