I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
