..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
