i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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