everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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