dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
