I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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